What Is Continuing Bonds
Continuing bonds is the practice of maintaining an active, meaningful connection with someone who has died. This might take the form of talking to them internally, keeping their belongings, celebrating their birthday, or following through on values they held. Research shows this approach helps most people move forward after loss rather than keeping them stuck in grief.
The concept challenges the older "grief stages" model, which suggested you should gradually sever emotional ties to the deceased. Modern bereavement research, particularly work by Worden and Klass starting in the 1990s, found that people who maintained some form of connection actually had better emotional outcomes and fewer symptoms of complicated grief.
How Continuing Bonds Functions
Continuing bonds operate through several practical channels:
- Internal dialogue: Asking yourself what the person would have done or said in a given situation. Many people report this becomes less frequent over time but remains a source of guidance.
- Ritual and routine: Lighting a candle on their birthday, preparing their favorite meal, or visiting a specific place. These don't require the person to "move on" in the traditional sense.
- Physical objects: Wearing jewelry they owned, displaying photographs, or keeping items that held meaning. This is distinct from hoarding or avoidance, which may indicate complicated grief requiring counseling.
- Sharing their story: Telling others about who they were, what mattered to them, and how they shaped your life. Support groups often facilitate this explicitly.
- Continuing their work or values: Volunteer in a cause they cared about, pursue a project they started, or teach your children their values or traditions.
When Continuing Bonds Becomes Complicated
The distinction matters. Healthy continuing bonds means the person is deceased, you accept that, but you still feel their influence. If you're avoiding estate tasks, unable to move their belongings six months or more after death, or if internal conversations are preventing you from making necessary life decisions, that may signal complicated grief. A grief counselor can help clarify where you stand and whether additional support is needed.
Common Questions
- Is talking to someone who died a sign I'm not processing their death? No. It's normal and reported by most people who experience loss. The key is whether you know they're deceased and whether you're able to function in daily life. If you're unable to make decisions or are isolating yourself, that warrants a conversation with a counselor.
- Should I keep all their belongings? Not necessarily. Keeping a few meaningful items while donating or passing along the rest is healthy. If you cannot touch their room or go through their things months later, that may indicate complicated grief worth addressing in bereavement counseling.
- How do continuing bonds fit with the grief process? Continuing bonds isn't a stage you move through. It's a parallel process that occurs while you're adapting to their absence, handling estate matters, and rebuilding your life. Both happen at the same time.